Settling For Not Settling and Other Admissions

It seems to me that there was a time when I believed I could do anything, though without realizing this, I must admit that I have forgotten the sensibility required to put forth all faith in such tenets of self and self-reliance. It is not so much about being lost but more so about finding myself in a place I never wished to understand, thus lending me to time and its holding place in which time stands still but my age has not. Aging has burdened the reputation that should have been bestowed upon sedentary, for if you see what I see, then age is but experience, unless of course that experience is wrapped up in an over indulgent abuse of patience. I must also admit that patience is a wealth of its own, but even riches will spoil when made to be a crutch. So, one must wonder as I do when locked away in the halls of time, where is the scale balanced between not having settled and not having lived?

Having not settled is perhaps a freedom, that of expression, of community, of love, of faith, in occupation and at its core, of self. This is much like patience, a wealth, but if allowed to become a crutch it can also grow to become a great cause of anxiety, lending life to a time of not having lived at all which leads to fear and quite possibly nothing else significant apart from fear and its uncertainties. This type of uncertainty is the place where time waits not as a friend but as an indulgence, the resting place of settling for not settling.

In their sweet surrender, where the freedom and fear intersect is where life is happening. We must surrender to our time, not the debts of our past(the fear to live) and not the wealth of our futures(the fear to commit), but to here, this present. To not only desire a life of experience but to also aspire to create that experience.

Ultimately, we exist for here, for now, for us. Yet, for me, my understanding is far beyond my ability to pursue with as much tenacity the life I belong to, the life aching for me to live. For now, I must admit that I am as much a work in progress as I am a progression of my work and perhaps these tenets of self and self-reliance will lend me the faith of surrendering to my own time, lending myself to that which I fear borrowing from.

Life and its lessons are the experiences we borrow, gather and lend, I intend to make good on gathering the sensibilities required to live my most purposeful life and borrowing what I must in order to lend what I can in return. Call it advice, call it a wish or even a prayer, but simply a word from a friend, may you also gather the sensibilities to live your most purposeful life, I would love to hear of your progress.

-AH

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